as soon as dad walked out the door, you gave up on parenting. it wasn't something you ever imagined you'd be doing alone. he was supposed to be forever. but he was temporary. just like everything else in life. and you gave up.

i grew up without rules and restrictions. ya know, seventeen year old girls need curfews. whether they think they do or not. they don't need to stay out all night drinking and doing things with boys they shouldn't be doing. but she says she didn't know. i stayed out all night, what the fuck did she think i was doing, reading the bible?! no, i was just ruining everything. ruining myself.

and i try not to be angry. i try to understand why she raised us the way she did. but it's just...i can't help but feel that i would be so different if i had just been given rules. she always said she felt that he'd punished us enough. he walked out. he abandoned us. he beat us when he felt like it. he got a new family and just forgot we existed. it felt like punishment, it still does really.

i just want to know why i am the mess that i am. and it's easier to blame my mother (who was never really interested in being a mother) than to blame myself.

metallica: hero of the day
feeling hungry