i've been in such a bad mood. everything has been feeling wrong and i've been feeling out of place.

my mom emailed me today to tell me that my grandmother has to have heart surgery. she's been keeping this from me for about a week. i just started to cry. because i'm still so afraid of losing her. and i still feel like a horrible bitch for not being there. because i miss her and i love her and i can't live my life without her.

i may go home next weekend. to see my grandmother. and to spend valentine's day with one of my favorite people. i can't say i'm looking forward to it...but i need to go home.

i'm too fucking drunk to be awake. i must go to bed now.