today is my birthday. i'm nineteen.

but it doesn't much matter. my heart aches. my eyes are puffy and red. all i ever do is cry now.

she really is dying. her health is deteriorating by the hour. today when she came home from her doctor's appointment, i was sitting at the kitchen table. she came up to me and hugged me. and started crying. i didn't know what to do. i didn't want to cry in front of her. so i went up to my room and i bawled... this is just too real. this sadness is the first true sadness i've ever felt. none of it even mattered until now.

so what am i doing for my birthday? i'll probably spend the day sitting with my grandmother. just talking. and occasionally going upstairs to cry. i'll go out to dinner with my family. and i guess i'll drink with my friends.

i don't know...i don't fucking care anymore.

taking back sunday: your own disaster
feeling devastated