i have this tendency to blame myself for everything. and i started to. i started asking myself what i'd done to make you take such a huge step back from me. but then i realized that this time it's not me who is to blame. it is purely you.

and i know you see that it's me calling. i know that's why you never answer. i always imagine that you're sitting around with your coke-head friends, wasting your life away. and then the phone rings. and it's me. and you say to them 'oh god, it's manda. i can't deal with her now. i'm not answering.'

so i leave you voicemails. trying my best to make you feel guilty. 'it's manda. i know you don't want to, but i want you to come to my going away party on friday. i guess call me back if you ever get the time.' but i know you feel no guilt. i'm not entirely sure that you have the ability to feel much of anything anymore...much less guilt.

but this was the break i was asking for. i wanted you to make it so i wouldn't have to. and you did. but...i just never imagined that it would hurt this much.

silence
feeling frustrated