i went to see my psychiatrist today. i hate her, always have. but today just made me hate her even more. she knows nothing about me. but she likes to pretend that she does. 'you go to the university of maryland.' no, west virginia. 'oh.' stupid bitch.

and i tell her i want to go off of the medication. i'm ready now. she says it's only been a year. people on medication have the tendency to forget what it was like before medication. do i want to ruin everything during my sophomore year of college? so she starts naming all the things that were wrong with me last year. relationship problems. cutting. mood swings. abusing pills & liquor. death wishes. no motivation. depression for five years. she guilted me into staying on the meds.

but i won't ever forget what it was like before medication. how can i? last year made me what i am today. if i'd never hit bottom, i never would have bounced back. i remember what it was like to lay in bed all day. completely sedated by sleeping pills. i remember what it was like to be all cut up. i remember what it felt like to hate myself. to be completely ashamed of myself.

why can't she see how far i've come, how much i've changed?

i just want to live my life knowing that all of this happiness and success is solely mine. i want to know that this is all because of me.

fuel - bad day
feeling pissed off